To say that she wasn't happy is an understatement.
At this point I'd rather be dead.
I want to leave and get out but I can't until this summer.
And I'm already planning it.
I'll play her little games.
But once this summer hits, I'm gone. That's my goal.
I'd never think I'd say that about my hero.
The person I looked up to the most.
The person that in my eyes could do no wrong.
I thought we could get past this.
But I really can't forgive anymore.
She has put me through hell and back and it still won't stop.
Today I drank some cough medicine I found because I could. I grabbed wine out of the fridge because I no longer care. I let a beautiful metal violate my skin. And I could give a fuck. I spend my days sleeping like a zombie.
The only thing that keeps me going is revenge.
She told me she loved me. But any emotion I had towards her has died just as the mom I knew has.
It's funny how much good I talked about her. How I've always defended her. My whole family is fucked up, my aunt won't, even let me take care of her baby. Just yesterday she called to ask my LITTLE BROTHER to go watch her.
The sad part? The one person I hated for years of my life, my dad. Is the only reasonable one.
I cry for several seconds at times and then it passes. Because this feels like an out of body experience.
I thought maybe if I just explain to my mom everything, she'll be fine. I got out my favorite movies, my sketchbook, got my blog prepared, got my favorite blogs up as well. Pictures of me and friends. My favorite books, a letter my friend wrote me. But she never got to see any of it. When I told her, I am gay it is not a phase, she looked at me with disgust the way you do at your enemy, or trash, or a bad smell. And she directly told me that I was disgusting if I wanted to be with men.
I don't know what to do. I'm lost. I'm tired. I want to give up, give in, give out.
13 comments:
I'm really sad to read this, Christian, but I am positive your mom will come around. Coming out to my parents was one of the most difficult things I've ever had to do. They weren't entirely happy with it but they eventually saw that it didn't change anything. Your mom will see that too, I'm sure of it.
Keep strong (and stay away from sharp implements!) and you'll get through this.
I'm so sorry to hear that about the unfortunate result of what must be told eventually. Take it from me because I've been in your position before and I didn't handle it very well either. . . only in time will it get better. . .and hopefully they will see that it doesn't matter who you're with but what really matters is what you love and what loves you back.
www.thestarvingstylist.com
hey chris
I feel so sad reading this
i like you even if you're gay,bi or str8 i think you are so cool guy and if you every need real friend to talk to just skype me....
AND READING THE BIBLE HELP..
Keon
thank you for sharing this... things will get better whether she excepts it or not. just hold on to the friends and family who are fine with it. your not living your life for them remember that. And one thing i learned about adults is they are more stubborn than we are so you will have to give it sometime. she loves you and just doesnt know how to take it at this moment
XX
Vi from Cali
上來逛逛，既來之，打聲招呼，留言支持一下囉！祝你一切平安！........................................
That must be so incredibly hard. My mom and I have had our rough patches, but I can't even imagine what it must be like to have your mother ask you to deny who you really are. I think you're right in that all you can do is keep looking forward and to channel the anger and frustration into something productive - hey, that's what created some of the best artists, right? Just don't give up.
I just stumbled on your blog and I can’t help but be on the verge of tears. Even though I haven’t met you, I know who you are, because I see you in one of my best friends in the entire world, George. George is gay, and I don’t know how your situation is, but he was forced to come out after an anonymous caller called her house telling her he was gay. George’s mother of course, confronted him. Hi s heart was broken. He was her only son, and he had dreaded this day from the moment he realized he was gay. Those first couple days and weeks were the hardest he ever had to go through, and I made sure I was there for him. Please know you are not alone. You have people whom you love and who love you back equally, if not more. In life, we are never ever ever given anything we can’t handle. Never. Yes, there are times when it can be difficult, when we lose faith in everything we have believed in, but that does not mean all hope is lost. This is only a test. A test of your strength, your perseverance. If a difficult time is at hand, it is because someone is saying “I know you can do this. I believe in you.” George was sexually abused by a close family member when he was eight years old, but he’s learned to forgive and not let it control his life. He’s obsessed with lady gaga, has a dream of becoming a chef, and is way super excited for our upcoming winter sports banquet because he really worked his ass of this past swim season and he reallyreally wants to win an award. He somehow managed to survive all he’s gone through and still come out laughing and loving life. You would never believe he had the most terrible relationship you could ever imagine with his father before coming out. His father was completely abominable, even going as far as to taking George to a whorehouse for an afternoon of “fun.” George was trapped because if he refused, his father would immediately know he was gay. So he went through, had sex with some “chick in booty shorts” as he later told me, and left feeling even more sure of his sexual orientation. He knew he was gay. His father was the only one in his immediate family that didn’t know, and he felt coming out just then would ruin his chances of ever having the good relationship he so wanted with this father. Time passed, and eventually, George and his mother were on speaking terms again after a looooong time of lots of crying. He never thought it would happen, but she began to accept him once she saw how he had accepted himself. Please, do not try and create permanent “solutions,” like suicide, for a temporary problem. That really is what this is. Sure, George struggled, and did abuse certain substances so he could numb the pain of not feeling loved for who he was and not being supported by the mother he loved more than anything, but the point is he LIVED. And you will too. You know who you are. You don’t have anything to prove. You are still the same person you have been all along, in fact, WHEN you make it through this you will be such a strong person. These days, George has a WONDERFUL relationship with his father. His family kept George’s secret from him for a while, but eventually his dad found out and guess what? He accepted him. George now works next to his father at a restaurant. So it’s okay if your family doesn’t accept you right now. It’s just as hard for them as it is for you. Honestly, they may never fully accept you. But you shouldn’t rely or look to anyone’s else’s acceptance but your own. You are a precious human being no matter what anyone says or thinks. There are people who love you, and care about you, and who would want nothing more but to see you overcome and have the chance to help you through this difficult time. I will be checking up on your blog and checking up on you, so don’t go off doing anything insane. Your life is worth living. I promise. xoxo
A mother should never disregard her son in the way yours has, and you are right in feeling the way you do. Embrace it; it's what makes you human.
My thoughts are with you.
x
Christian,
man... i dont even know where to begin, i dont even know if i should write this in a comment section, but there is no reason to hide any of the things im about to say to you, so i'll just say it here, publicly. your family, im so sorry that they didnt give you the reaction and the support you deserve--i dont know you well, but i feel like were pals, and i wish i could just come pick you up and get you out of that for a while. my family is insanely fucked up, i actually think everyone's family is fucked up in one way or another--and usually the ones that look the most normal are the most fucked. i dont want you to think they love you any less, people from different generations are so insane about issues we find completely normal--and also because those are shadows of their own personalities that they keep hidden because they have been--for lack of a better set of words--brainwashed to keep hidden and suppressed. peoples hidden demons can cause them to be completely insane, and even control their lives. i mean, i never met my father, he actually took my mother to court to have her change my last name to my mother's maiden name because he wanted nothing to do with us. and then later threatened to take me away from my mother because he said he had more money than my mom, and she couldnt take care of me, he actually said "i dont want her, but ill take her"--he died several years ago, and still didnt want to see me, not even once, and we lived in the same town the whole time. i guess im telling you this to show you how fucked up anyone and everyone's family can be. i dont want you to ever feel like you should give up. my family has NEVER been happy about what i've done, they wanted me to live by their rules, and nothing else. when i said i wanted to move to new york, they basically shamed me into staying in college and because they held the money, so therefor, i had no way of going. the second my mom passed away, i dropped out, and have been living my dreams ever since--because i finally allowed myself the freedom to do whatever it was that i wanted to do--my only regret is not following my dreams earlier--knowing what i do now. this is the rule of life; your parents gave you life, but it doesnt mean they should EVER have a say over it. they had you to give you your own life, your own choices, and you can be thankful for that, and know that they love you--but its your job to make yourself happy, independently of what they think. that's not really taught in our society, but its the truth. i faced so much mental abuse over the things i wanted to do, and it caused me a lot of resentment and depression that i could have done without if i would have known this earlier. it is none of their business what you do with your life, once they have you, you have your own divine free will to govern your own path.
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i wish i would have known this sooner, to be honest with my mom, and tell her that even though she thinks she knew what was best for me, she really didnt. she passed away (as did my father) before i could stand up for myself, and that left me with a lot of unresolved feelings and things i had to deal with later, after i realized all of this through the study of the quantum sciences and the souls path. just know you are definitely not in the wrong here, and i dont want you to hurt yourself over what someone outside of yourself thinks, even if it is your entire family, it doesnt make any other them in the right to pass judgment on your life--it is your life, not theirs.if they have an issue with your life, it is because they have something inside them that they have to deal with, and it has nothing to do with you, they are just using you as a scapegoat to take out their inner-self-resentment out on. and im sorry that has to happen to you, and that you have to go through this, but i promise you, you will get past this, and it will only make you stronger, and give you the strength to live your dreams to the fullest possible extent.all you can do is live your truth, no matter what anyone else has to say about it, it is your truth, your life, and no one elses. i cant stress that enough. i just dont want any of this to hinder the rest of what will be an amazing life filled with things you create for yourself, dont let anyone stand in your way with their opinions and judgments, you can never life for the approval of someone else, as hard as it may seem sometimes. know you are completely perfect in every way, and you have nothing to hide or be ashamed of--ever! you are fantastic, and talented, and i dont want anything to stop you from having everything you want in life.
and good for you for having the strength to come out, some people never do--that alone should be commended--i am proud of you, so many people are proud of you, and we all support you babe, always.just stay strong in yourself, and dont let anyone elses opinion into your head, and you will have everything you have always wanted and more
xx Krystal
Hey Christian. I'm sorry I only read this now. I can't begin to imagine what you are going through. If you were as close as you described in the past, I'm sure your mom cant bear to lose you over this. Eventually she will have to come around if she wants to have a relationship with you. You are a beautiful person and you will make it through. It's great that you had the strength to tell her who you are. It may take forever for her to understand and I'm sure it hurts a lot right now, but overtime she will have to accept that it's your reality. You have a lot of people rooting for you here. You are a brilliant writer and an incredibly introspective person from what I can tell. Realize that this is only a short time in your life and that at least she now knows. You have a big life ahead of you. I couldn't believe you were 15 when you first commented on my blog. I was taken aback by your eloquence and maturity. As cliche as it sounds--there is always a calm after a storm. Give your mom time to come around. In the meantime continue to be your wonderful self. I'm sure you are still writing and creating your art. In my darkest times I found solace in art. Try to stay strong. As bad as this experience may be at least you were able to be honest with your family and be honest with yourself. That takes a lot of strength.
big kiss and hug.
This is the saddest thing ever.
I'm emailing you now. xx
Hi Christian, this is the first time I stumble upon your blog and I am really sorry to read about this. However, these things happen all over across the world and it's a shame. Never forget that despite the shit you go through now, you should never give up as there will always be a bright time again. You should also realise that you have got many friends, friends that you don't know of - or that have no face, such as us bloggers, but that are there and who understand you and who will help you. Life is beautiful, but we all go through phases that are tough. Just keep going, do what you love to do and don't let you put off track by anyone. You're a beautiful personality and if some people cannot judge on who you really are, but want you to pretend that you are someone else; then screw them.
One day, sooner or later, your mom will come around and realise that it is not worth to be upset or treat you like this, because of who you are. You are still her son and she is still your mom and it shouldn't matter if you are homosexual or heterosexual. I believe she will come around that.
Stay strong and we are here if you need comfort or help.
Dennis
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